My Give A Damn is Busted

I've asked several of you kind readers if I could repost some of your comments about this whole monogamy thing. So far precious few of you are willing to say or contribute what you'll write to me in private, in the public forum.

I don't expect the rest of the world to hold my opinions. But I will offer the following assessment of what I'ver read over the last week in the latest round in this continuing debate. The two guys from New York, Scott and Scott-romance writers extraordinaire, started quite the shitstorm of feedback. God Bless Em.

First to clarify my own beliefs. I don't believe people should publicize their monogamy as a badge of honor. In reality its no one's business. I think the more public people are with their virtuous behavior, as if they're aiming to get some sort of special edition, signed by the angel Gabriel, "get out of hell free" card, the more suspicious their behavior becomes. That goes for both open relationships and monogamous ones. Personally, I am also not looking for Brownie points. I've experienced both aspects of this debate. But I, hick from the Selkirks still put my money on Monogamy.

If that means I stay single, no worries. I have no shortage of great folks in my life. One is not defined by their relationship status. While striving, praying for, and believing in monogamy is my belief, I still respect those who look at the world from a different perspective. But for those who've sent the nasty grams, with all sorts of wild speculation about whatever hidden behavior or agenda you believe I must be involved in, or how naive and foolish and immature I am, I simply must ask, "And your tolerance went where?"

I am single. Currently I'm celibate and have been for months. In the past decade, I've personally witnessed some breathtaking examples of shitty character, so I'm also not sitting on some "Better than you" soap box. I am also not some "still in its original packaging" Alex in Wonderland. I full well know the risks.

But, I reject any bullshit gay mantra that two guys can't be monogamous, even after all the first hand stuff I've seen. The conventional wisdom says repeat a lie often enough and it becomes the truth. I am done repeating the lie that two guys can't be monogamous. I've met enough long term couples who completely shatter that myth.

So again I ask why all the hate and discontent spewed out because some people have rejected open relationships? What is the threat here? Certainly if we are truly as diverse as we say we are, monogamous relationships deserve the same respect and support as open relationships. When someone, anyone, tries to tear down or speculate about what's "really" going on behind the scenes in these committed unions, that individual (or individuals) deserve a communal bitch slap. Remember its all about the diversity right?

Or has this monogamy verses open relationship debate just blown to smithereens such utopian drivel?

Again I wish I could repost the comment cards from the last week. But for the record, it's not like I am the only one who holds this perspective. To generalize here is what seems to be the concensus:

The more blue collar or working class, the stronger the leanings and support of monogamy. The more rural, again the stronger the leanings toward monogamy. This is not a small sample either. Last week alone I received so many emails on this subject that I couldn't keep up with them. And don't give me some bullshit about social constraints. I'd say it takes as much balls to partner up and buck social constraint in the gay community as it does to openly go against the hetero flow in an economically strapped blue collar or non anonymous rural environment. Wherever you "come out, come out wherever you are!" in this day and age it takes fortitude to chase life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Or, the happiness of pursuit as the case may be.

True, many of the folks living in the more urban areas, complete with all the temptation that living smack dab in the middle of the Lion's Den involves, seem more often than not to embrace the less traditional, emancipation of "anything that moves, breathes, and looks back twice" creed. Good for them. Maybe its all that unfettered access to all those partners. Maybe its the anonymity of the big city. But even in these locales some folks wrote in their desire for a one man last stand.

Aside from career choices, maybe this breakdown just reflects the various differences between existing white collar and blue collar/working class and rural verses urban values. People generally live and work where their values are most supported and reflected. It's no surprise that this would seem true here. Still, regardless of where one lives, or the kind of job they do, life's ultimate test is found in the mirror. The reflection staring back, and the ability to have peace with that image is what counts. Everything else is mute under that gaze.

I live in an isolated and rugged community that I dearly love. Despite my location in redneckville I'm not engaged in internalized homophobia or closeted. I live as an openly gay man. I have the support and affirmation of my neighbors. I also give the same in return. When I've been partnered, people have treated those individuals with respect. Here, people care far more about what kind of neighbor you are than they care about your sexual orientation. So what if my belief in monogamy seems ridiculous or limiting to some of you. So what if some of you think I'm missing out on a lot of freedom, exploration, or whatver. Why is it so difficult to respect these choices and why are so many people so bent out of shape by these choices?

I'm the guy that has to deal with that gut level image that's in the mirror reflecting back at me. No matter what comments come in, the best lesson that I've learned from my neighbors and the people who matter most, is the power of a sledgehammer anytime peer pressure is invoked. When to say enough already and be true to yourself. And I've especially learned when it's most appropriate to say the following words:

My give a damn is busted.

Prayers...

For Zach, and anyone harmed by ex gay ministries...
For Jay who is going through the most difficult of times...
For all the people who battle HIV. Everywhere.
For U2, and all those affiliated with www.One.org that they might prevail at the G 8 Summit
For all the truckers, that Travel Mercies are always riding shotgun with them...

Views, News, and other hues...

Art to help you dream like you mean it...
http://randyvanbeek.com/Print%20Gallery%20-%20The%20Great%20Outdoors.htm

...Republican operatives undermining objective operation of NPR and CPB outed...
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/21/politics/21broadcast.html?th&emc=th

...L A Times attempts to turn the Editorial Page interactive goes very, very sideways...
http://www.nytimes.com/2005/06/21/business/media/21paper.html?th&emc=th

...Bush offers Values Voters an extra value, full meal deal...
http://www.volunteertv.com/Global/story.asp?S=3501889

...Ex Gay group- the source of so much controversy
http://www.exodus-international.org/

...And the "ex gay" gay guy whose picture they are deceptively using to promote their snake oil...
http://www.waynebesen.com/