Bumper Stickers II

The latest Essay from Jeanette...

The following bumper stickers deal with spirituality. They have all had me reflecting on my own spiritual journey.

My karma ran over my dogma

The Lutheran church I was indoctrinated into was the Missouri Synod branch of the church; old, stuffy and very conservative. A visitor to our congregation could not receive the Eucharist unless they met with the pastor beforehand to confirm that they believed in consubstantiation. That is to say that the wafer and the wine “spiritually” become the body and blood of Christ. In short, you had to believe what we believed in order to participate.

To make sure everybody was on the same page the church offered Sunday School Classes, Vacation Bible School and Confirmation.

Oh yes confirmation, those two wonderful years of additional stress that coincides with Jr High . In my day-to-day life, I was just trying to survive without getting the crap beat out of me. As a fat tomboy, I was an easy mark. I dug John Denver (God I miss him) and carried a guitar everywhere I went. To have to answer the question “Why do you go to church on a Thursday afternoon?” Well, let’s just say it gave my enemies far more ammunition.

Dogma controlled everything. My Karma was weak and pathetic. Self-loathing began.

I survived it all.

But by the time I got to High School I had had enough. I would no longer take the punches while proclaiming “Jesus took it … I can too!” No longer the martyr, I began landing a few punches of my own. With the pent up rage, it did not take long for it to become known that when I hit back it hurt. It really hurt! People began to leave me alone. My Karma was gaining momentum.

By the time I got to Bible College the energy with which I carried myself instantly got me labeled as a rebel; as someone who lived by her fists. Trying to fit in and be a good Christian, the self-loathing took on a life of its own. The dogma was back in control.

Then came the struggle with sexuality. For the first time in my life I had to examine all those strange stirrings. As I lived in a dorm full of women, weird thoughts entered my head. Thoughts like, “if I were a guy I’d probably get my heart broken by a girl like____, but I would marry a woman like____”.

The whole Bible college environment was set up like the mating game. With roomies night out (when your next door neighbor was supposed to find you a date). I hated it. At first I tried to participate. My one date was with a blind man. Oh the Loathing.
I made a good Christian woman as long as you didn’t have to look at me. Once again I’d found a place where I just didn’t fit in. My Bible College education came to a grinding halt, when I ran out of funds. I sought an alternative way to continue the down path I had started (which was youth ministries).

But then I received the ultimate bitch slap. I could not be placed in a church because I did not have the right image. I was not what every parent wanted their child to grow up to emulate. I was too fat, too ugly, too immature and rebellious. The Dean of Students told me I should apply for a job at Sears.


Jesus protect me from your followers.


Being the rebel…I went to work for the college. I became the campus security guard. My job was to monitor the boilers and keep everyone safe at night. I roamed the halls and got a good look at what all those “perfect Christians” were up to when no one was watching. I watched so many injustices. Drunken student leaders that were never punished. Average students slapped with probation for the same behavior. Self-loathing became rage against the establishment (they finally got the rebel roused!)

The hypocrisy in action made my head spin. I began questioning everything. Why was it that when I was a prospective student I was warmly embraced? I was encouraged to pay my tuition and to come study among other believers. A million options were open to me. But when the funds ran out, I experienced a completely different story!

As the campus security guard, part of my job was to empty the trash chute, which meant I had to access the men’s floor early in my shift. A man began following me every night into the janitor closet to sexually harass me. I went to the last administrator on staff I had any respect for and reported the harassment. That person in turn told the RA on that floor to watch the situation; to keep an eye out for my safety. The result was that the moment that I announced my presence on that floor, The RA’s door slammed shut.

It seemed like the church’s door was always slamming in my face.

I got through the rest of that year by confiding in a student that lived on that floor; a troubled soul who would often seek me out in the middle of the night to talk because he knew I wouldn’t judge him for his struggles. It became another misfit that made sure I could safely do my job each night. Not the student leader. Not the church’s bright and shinning star!

As I continued to deal with the issue of my sexuality, I came to realize that I would never be accepted. I went through all the prayer and inner healing suggested by the university to encourage my change. When there was no change, I was told it was my fault. I did not have enough faith. To add insult to injury, my job was threatened by a faculty member who’d had a number of homosexual affairs. But the faculty member was far too respected to ever be held accountable, even after the affairs (including one with a student) became exposed.

I sought refuge in the one place where I felt truly connected to God, the banks of a mountain river where all sins and struggles seemed to wash away. It was my Vision Quest of sorts. I sat and thought about the history of our great land. How as Christianity moved west, some of the most spiritual people were killed or forced to embrace a faith other than their own in order to survive. I thought about all the things done in the “name of Christ” that I did not want to be associated with.

It was there along the banks of the Cle Elum River that I left the church forever. It is where I finally let go and let God! I now have the faith to know that no matter how bad my choices might be, there are Divine hands that catch me. I know a freedom and peace I never knew trying to play by the church rules.

I have not fallen from grace; rather I have fallen into grace.


“I like your Christ. It is your Christians I do not like”…Gandhi

I recently read a quote from singer, song writer, activist Amy Ray of the Indigo Girls in which she stated, “no matter how strong my Paganism, I can’t seem to shake Jesus…”

I have to agree with her as she goes on to say that it’s not such a bad thing. While I have disassociated myself from the church, I love the things Jesus stood for. If he were alive today, the Christian church would probably reject him. He would be hanging out with infidels and whores. He’d be holding the hands people dying of AIDS. He would be embracing those of us who just could not make the grade in church.

We really don’t know much about Jesus. We only get a glimpse of a few years of his life in the gospels. What we do know is that he was a man of action. He understood what it is like to be human and all the baggage that comes with it. He never condemned anyone just because they were carrying a heavier load in life. He was someone who saw needs and met them. He accepted people for who they were. Jesus, in my opinion, is someone whose life work is worth carrying on.

Not to throw the baby out with the bath water here. I have to say that I have met a few Christians who honestly live their faith. Usually they do so in the background very quietly. Never judging others and striving to make even an outcast like me feel loved and welcome. A contractor I know always has a hug for me. The family down the road from me in Arkansas, people who truly lived “Love Thy Neighbor”. I have met some Christians who were willing to go to jail for what they believe in. I have met some trying very hard to include everyone into the life of the church.

But one doesn’t have to look too far to see the ugliness perpetuated by Christians. Look at where our country is headed, lead by a “Christian”. How Christ like is it to deceive and lie in order to lead a country into war? How Christ-like is it take resources from the neediest to line the pockets of the very rich?

Christ set people free. How Christ-like is it to take away people’s freedoms? How Christ- like is it to be a bully? How many hearts are ever truly won over by brutal tactics? Christianity as a whole falls far short of the spirit of Christ. I love Christ, but I can do without the church. The Church is the greatest distraction from what Jesus was all about.